Reaction vs. Response

We all carry around thoughts, beliefs and opinions about others and about ourselves. Many of these formed in our mind that formed decades ago when we were kids: thoughts about who we think we are, beliefs about love or our self-worth, opinions about personality types or our own abilities.

It’s fair to say that a good chunk of this mental clutter is outdated and not relevant to the life you lead today. However, we drag this stuff around with us anyway, and we bring it in the front door to work every morning, not because we’re doing anything wrong, but because we’ve never been taught to get rid of it.

Because most of us are unaware of what we may be carrying around, we may not recognize one of its biggest impacts is has on our behavior: Reactions. As kids, we all encountered negative experiences for the first time: someone called you a nasty name, excluded you from a group or purposely set you up for failure.

We did our best to cope with this terrible experience: We fought back, we withdrew, or we put up walls. Because the experience was so challenging and our little minds didn’t have the maturity to process it, we reacted emotionally.

When we encountered a similar situation for a second time, then a third, then a fourth, we had same reaction and we took the same actions. Why not? That reaction may have stopped the other person’s behavior or protected us or helped us gain the upper hand.

Here’s the problem. That groove might have helped you back then, but it may be hurting you now. Acting from a reaction—an automatic emotional impulse—can damage relationships, destroy trust and kill teamwork.

There is an alternative.

It’s called a response, which I define as a non-emotional, reasoned thought or action. If someone bites your head off or treats you disrespectfully, you will in all likelihood have a strong emotional reaction to it. However, instead of acting from that reaction, choose to respond to it. Stop the conversation. Attempt to talk it out, rather than argue or raise your voice. Walk away. When you respond, you’re in total control of yourself, not the emotion.

This take practice. The reactions that get triggered by other people’s behavior are strong and run deep. So do the ideas we’re carrying around that are hooked to those reactions, like I’m not good enough, I’m a failure and I deserve to be treated like this. Reactions may help in the short term, but they can do long-term damage, especially if it your knee-jerk reaction is something like, “fight fire with fire."

When you understand this critical distinction between reaction and response, you’ll have an incredible superpower at your fingertips. The ability to take a breath and choose a different path can lead to stronger relationships, a great work environment and a harmony unheard of in your life. The emotions are always going to come knocking when a situation crops up. When you can respond to it instead of reacting, you’re in a position of control, where you can choose what comes next, on your own terms. That’s a great power to have—and it’s right there waiting for you.